Clarity - Now I am Scared

I doubt my level of sanity although I have never felt saner. I feel as though I know every step of the way. Well, if not every step at least enough steps to make my mind feel blown away.

I feel like the cobwebs in my head have been cleared. It's as though the housekeeper has returned from a very long vacation, only to have found the house he left in good order is now covered in dust and cobwebs. And that the house owners are frozen in time but yet moving at the speed of a turtle on land.

I can see through most of the clutter now, and a plan is forming in my head, the direction I should go is clearer than it’s ever been. The haze that covered the road is gradually lifting. I no longer have to stumble into all the obstacles that I could hardly see but could only touch to feel my way through.

I feel all I desire and wish to be are at my finger tips and all that's necessary is for me to stretch out my hands and reach it. Yet stretching out my hands as easy as it seems, takes a lot more work that it should. Apparently like the masters in the house I was frozen. Slowly and painstakingly I stretch out my fingers, my wrist, and my arm to reach for the ripened fruits of my hope, that's hanging on destiny's tree waiting for me to make the effort. As I stretch I realize there's nothing to stretch, I am armless, feeling neither the ripened succulent fruits nor the pain of failing to reach it.

Apparently, I had been stifled and cut off by my own choices, choices that had created too heavy a burden for my mind to bear. My mind had become clogged as I struggled too hard to do it on my own.

Now I am scared that like all the other times that I have experienced brief moments of clarity, that I may return to the dusty and web coated state.

Although, this time it feels a bit different, as though it would last forever but no longer do I feel it necessary to depend solely on me.

The Lion in the Mirror

I took a last look into the mirror for the umpteenth time, just to ensure that I was looking like a well-kept lawn. Just that last little look of vanity to ensure that I was looking OK, in the white shirt, golden tie and black suit.

Just that last little look to assure myself that I was well dressed enough to get a compliment or two, dressed enough to knock the ladies I might encounter off their feet just by the looks of one as fresh as I.

Just that one little look to ensure that I looked prime and proper like an English gentleman of nobility.
Just that one little look to assure myself that I looked confident and ready to take on the day regardless of whatever surprises comes with it.

Although I knew that whatever I saw in the mirror would be nothing short of a false reflection. A false reflection of masked emotions belonging to a scared little boy unsure of the decisions he had been making. A shy little boy too scared to express his thoughts and opinions fearing that they may suffer the crude criticism of the people he sometimes admired.

Just that one little glance of reassurance was all I took and what I saw was not a reflection of myself but of a lion roaring in the dark. I stood transfixed; a chill went down my spine, if I had a tail it would have dropped off, for the fear and shock of the sight in the mirror.

However, I stood still in front of the mirror, bewildered yet curious. My legs and every part of my body pleaded for motion in any direction but I refused to move. Not that I didn’t have the capacity to run though I was in total shock, neither was I too scared to do so but my curiosity seemed to have taken the wheel. I felt a buzzing near my ears and the roaring of the lion became a baritone voice which I understood clearly.

The voice said to keep calm and be reassured for though I had fallen several times and had gone down several wrong routes I would reach the greatness that lay ahead. All I needed to do was take a deep breath and put out the fear in my heart, which had been masked with seeming pride.

It was going to be alright again but not all rosses and blossoms for the task ahead required strength of spirit, body and heart. For the obstacle course ahead had been created to build way beyond a 6 pack and a GQ look.

Like a flash it all disappeared except for the retreating image of the lion that had metamorphosed into the image of me. It was as though I had met with my future self, who was not going to let me ruin it all.

Sultan Wais: A Different Name

They called me ‘Carrot’ because they attributed my height to eating plenty of carrots, especially after they tried eating beans and it didn't work out for them. The name changed to ‘NEPA bill’ because of a silly joke I made during an English class.

I graduated thinking I had left the nicknames behind, only to realise differently. The nickname became ‘Easy’, which sort of came from the Supa Strikas Goalkeeper, Easy Okola. It was sometimes ‘Eazy’ because of my actual name. I liked either name depending on who was calling it.

A new nickname was born when a lecturer adopted the habit of always asking for me in a funny way during his classes. As much as I tried to reject it, it seemed to have stuck; worse, it became generally accepted by my course mates.

As I warmed up to the nickname, I decided to make an addition to it and fell in love with it thereafter. It became more than a nickname; it became a different persona that I had previously hid away in the dark, away from the eyes of critics and ridicule.

A new me was born, one not too distinct from the original but one that freed itself a lot more from the unknown thoughts of others. I lived life through a different name, a different being that existed in the chemistry that only ink and paper could understand.

The alternate persona created the anonymity that I craved. The alternate lived life in a fantastical utopia, where perfection wasn't the aim but rather perfection in the discovery of middle grounds.

I had intended for the alternate to have a life separate from the original but seen only in words. However, the original became a little jealous and being the neutral party, I allowed the original and the alternate to merge in some places. Places where the original would take on more of the alternate’s persona.

However, the alternate will never be discarded despite this occasional merger, rather live its own life and be called upon to be of service in the moments when the original could not act. The alternate will never have a happily ever after because it was never created to live within the Cycle of Life.

Believer’s Anonymous

The words “there is safety in the gathering of the brethren” lit up in my mind as I listened to the Pastors speak about their experiences.  I realized, they are just like me.

I erroneously thought that the challenges and temptations I faced were unique to me. I had gone and filled myself with information about being unique, about being

different, and  I had forgotten to find out exactly what it meant.

As  I  listen to the Pastor as he spoke about living up to a promise he had made, I  began to understand more of what unique meant. I had fallen so low that I had begun to question the need for going to church.

It was as though I was at the edge of a cliff and was about to dive into a deep hole of nothingness. I 

was about to make that dive, through a promise to myself that for the next couple of days I would not go to Church, but rather sit and re-evaluate what a life without God meant because God didn't seem to be speaking to me. I put a pause on making the promise, instead promising to think it over once I got home in the evening. Little did I know that the idea of that promise would be popped with a pin.

It wasn't until months later, when I heard the Pastor speak on how God speaks to us through our circumstances that I truly appreciated what it meant.

That night on my way home, I realized that I had made a mistake at work, which would cost a lot. Baffled by this mistake, I had nowhere else to turn but to the Comforter. I struggled that night as I wondered what more that mistake would cost, but I trusted God to take control. The morning came and I arrived at work downcast and low in spirit, but God proved that in his hands are the hearts of kings and he can direct it in whatever way he chooses.

I realize now that the church is much more than a place for the Pastor to speak blessings and prophecies over lives. I liken the Church to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, because alcohol, like sin, could be addictive; despite knowing that it is bad for our health and destiny (James 1:14-15), we are still attracted to it because of its fleeting pleasures. Hence, I like to think of the church as a Sinners Anonymous where brethren who go through similar temptations ask the ever loving God for forgiveness and strength to remain true to Him.

I think of the church as a Lover's Cove where brethren profess their love and re-commitment to a God who first loved us, despite who we are. I see the church as a Victors’ Anonymous meeting where people share testimonies of how they have triumphed over life’s hurdles and obstacles.

I see the Church as a Believers’ Anonymous meeting where brethren, by faith, understand that the universe was created by the Word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.

A Believers’ Anonymous meeting where brethren, by faith, seek to please God by drawing near to Him, knowing that He exists and rewards those who seek Him.

A Believers’ Anonymous meeting where brethren acknowledge that the patriarchs in the Bible all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. (Hebrews 11:1-16)

Mid-Night Adventure

Its 20 minutes past mid-night, when I wake up from my early to bed sleep.

I realize that I had slept off while trying to work on some presentation that’s 3 days due. However, I decide to get up because I had left my dinner plate by my bed (don’t judge me; you also do it sometimes). Hence I decide that like the self-respecting gentleman I am to take my plate to the kitchen (there’s no need to invite cockroaches or any of those funny insects), where I abandon it to wash till the day rows in (it’s in the middle of the night, you seriously don’t expect me to be washing plates at such an ungodly hour, do you, I thought so).  I am heading back to my room when I realise that the clothes rack left to dry at the back veranda wasn't brought in, and seeing as I  believe I am the last person to have hung my clothes I decide to bring it in.

On opening the door, I think I see a black object but I dismiss it. I go on to open the door wide and carry in the clothes rack. That’s when I see it, a black rat, which jets in. I close the door quickly but too late, the deed has been done.  My first hope is that imagined what I just saw but after checking the hope vanishes.

The back door leads to the dining which is where the rat is. The dining is connected to the sitting room, where my brother had chosen to sleep in. I quickly close the connecting doors to the bedrooms and the 

kitchen.

I stand on a chair, scared by the thought that the rat could climb on me (yes, I am scared of rats, aren’t you), I quickly assess my situation, I have no weapons (broom, long stick, anything) to chase or kill the rat. Scratch out that last bit of killing it, my mind can’t reconcile killing something that has blood coursing through its body.

I finally use a part of my brother’s laptop charger and chase the rat around for a bit achieving nothing, only getting it to hide under the fridge in the dining. At this point I decide to wake my brother, who has otherwise been having a seemingly good sleep. I had thought that I would have been able to do it on my own and had wanted to avoid having to explain how it got in.

He is initially hesitant to get up, saying that we should just set poison for it tomorrow morning, but I convince him that I have it blocked and it was best not to chance it (of course, I purposely leave out the bit that I was the one that caused it to enter) . He finally gets up and goes into the store which is connected through the kitchen door to arm himself with a broom and an insecticide which proves quite helpful.

My brother cannot see the rat and I begin to hope once more that it was all in my mind but with help of the insecticide he eventually gets it to leave its hiding place under the fridge to the window curtains.

All this time, mind you I had been jumping from chair to chair, which I am now forced to get down from, as we clear the chairs and table and lift up the window curtain, leaving it with no places to hide. We chase it out the back door that’s connected to the veranda.

Dear rat, 

I had thought of going down the route of live and let live, don’t disturb me and I won’t disturb you, which would have made me and you living buddies. But I realized that I wasn't paying rent and working my  off ass to let some rodent like you live off my resources, especially when I know that we won’t be able to come up with a mutually agreeable living arrangement, knowing fully well that even if we did my other siblings would not see eye to eye with me on that.

Wait till Tomorrow

Can you hear and smell the sound of coming rain? Which makes the night most peaceful for sleep, the night rain is what engine oil is to cars, it keeps the engine running effectively. No need waking up in the morning feeling all grumpy. Do you know that unknown studies show that the rain facilitates the best dreams and visions?

Let's wait till tomorrow to study for that test in the afternoon after all, the worst case scenario is that we will flunk the test but the exam is what truly matters, it is when most of the marks are at stake.

Let's wait till tomorrow to work on that business plan, with this rain we will have a much better and well thought through idea by the morning. Bring a flash drive to copy that movie I have been telling you about, by the time you wake up we will have a killer business plan that those investors will be falling over to be a part of. I can assure you that unlike drugs and alcohol that are said to be a bad combination; a rainy night with a brilliant movie makes for very good sleep. Na only you waka come, is it not in the night, the night was made for sleep, did you not already do enough work during the day. You are still young, you have a lot of years ahead, and by the way don't you know that one of those studies off the internet says that you need a minimum of 9 hours sleep especially for a bright and budding man like you.

Ehen now! I have checked the weather forecast and I know it will be bright and sunny tomorrow, or are you a learner and don't know that after the night rain, the sun comes with its fiery heat. Wait will tomorrow to prepare for that lecture and presentation. By tomorrow our minds will refreshed and bodies receptive to present our project to the panel and more attentive to listen to some of what those boring old lecturers have to say.

You seem like a sharp lady, shebi I have told you that I have checked the weather forecast, don't you know that's how they do it in all those developed countries that you want to go and work in, their schedule is dependent on the weather, sharpen your eyes now before you disgrace your people at home when you get there.

That saying goes 'we are the leaders of tomorrow', so what's even the hurry, its tomorrow not today, tomorrow. You are saying you need to prepare for tomorrow but don't you know luck's on your side, (pst pst, low voice, how do you think a certain leader got there).

Waiting till tomorrow, often brings disappointment, and self-loathing about haven’t been unable to resist that feeling to rest a while longer when there's something very important you should be doing.  Ask yourself is it procrastination making that call or is that inner voice telling you to be calm for everything will truly be alright. Each time you want to procrastinate, always remember that never leave till tomorrow what you can today.

Dream Me a Vice

They told me it was alright to dream. That dreaming was all a part of the human experience. They said that dreaming kept us alive, it kept us hoping for a brighter future. They told me that many people had dreams and they didn't necessarily have to have a tangible meaning. That I should accept dreaming like each breath I took, a subconscious action I could not do without and one that I could go on doing without putting much thought into it.

So I began to dream. I dreamt just of the sun rise and its setting, its resplendent light giving joy to many. I dreamt of the moon and the stars ever shining in the dark night. Soon my dreams were no longer about the mundane but began to feature me as the main character. A character ever evolving and changing with every dream, a character who knew all the best lines, the best way forward, the greatest strategies, the fixer, the action hero.

I waited every morning for night, the night time that came with dreams, fantasies and wonders of me being prince, king and president. I chose never to miss it. I watched movies and read novels so that I could re-enact my own versions, where I was the good guy, the super hero, the star of attention.

When people spoke of vices, I could speak of none. When they shared experiences of drinking, womanizing, or getting high, I couldn't trade my own tales of who I fought last night, or the look alike of that popular female actress whom I had rescued the night before.
I couldn't connect with their vices and didn't seem to understand why they chose things so destructive. Before long I found out that I too could get wrecked by my dreams, my weakness that I refused to acknowledge.

So I lied to myself to keep up the habit. I began to research not how to break the love for the dream, but how to separate sleep from dreaming. After all. I told myself, my vice wasn't in the dream but in the sleeping. The dream was the end result I craved and the sleep was the unnecessary process that could get me there, it was also the true vice that could lead to my end. So why not separate the process from the end result? It was like trying to separate drugs from the feeling of being on top of the world that it brings with it, a fool's errand I knew it was, even before I began, but I refused to acknowledge it for what it was, a Vice.

We refuse to acknowledge them for what they are: bad habits, trivial defects, shortcomings that could lead to our downfall even when we know what they are we ignore them, lying to ourselves and putting a positive spin on them. Vices spread beyond the obvious three (smoking, drinking, drugs) they are things we indulge in and spend far too much time doing rather than concentrating on goal achieving actions: gossiping like the world is coming to end, shopping till you go broke, borrowing like your life depends on it, and sleeping like a bear in winter. Acknowledge your bad habits for what they are, vices, that need to be broken, or choose to live life in the shadow of your true potential.